Wednesday 1 February 2012

Life, loves and my first day back in the saddle

I left my children today.  I got them up early, got them dressed and fed...and then left them.

You see, it was my first day back at work since having Dexter.  My first day as a working Mum again in just over 10 months.

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Don't worry about the children, they were fine.  I left them in the very capable hands of my Mother-in-Law.  I knew they would be well looked after and have a fun time, but it didn't stop me feeling bad, feeling guilty.

I had been anxious about my return to work for a little while.  When I say anxious, I mean proper pit-of-your-stomach, gut-wrenching anxious.  How would I cope?  How would my children cope?  Thinking over the most likely weekday routine that would be needed, I understood I would hardly see them during the week.

And that made me cry.

I don't want to miss out on my children's experiences.  The other week, I took them to their weekly playgroup and it hit me (figuratively obviously, not literally) that this would be the last time for a while that I would be able to do that.

And that made me cry.

Yesterday, I tried to make the most of my last day at home with Sophia and Dexter.  We went to the local soft play centre and had a great time.  I loved seeing the enjoyment on their beaming little faces and how happy they were with me.  I felt guilty at the thought of 'abandoning' them to go back to work.

And that made me cry.

This morning, I dropped them at their grandmother's house.  As I said goodbye and closed the door behind me, it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.  I've never experienced such a powerful feeling before.

And that made me cry.

Once on the train into work I took a deep breath and composed myself.  Good job too because I needed all the calm and patience I could muster to survive a hellish commute on the London Underground system.  That was definitely something I hadn't missed.

Once in the office, I smiled, said hello and turned on the computer.  I checked my phone in case I had missed any calls about the children.  I hadn't.  Then I took a deep breath and exhaled, slowly dispelling some of the anxiety I had been feeling the week before.  My head cleared.  I had a catch-up with my boss.  My head cleared some more and I felt much more at ease.

By lunchtime, I was feeling relatively chipper.  I called my mother-in-law to check on Sophia and Dexter and received a positive report back.  Phew.  I even felt fairly positive that this was a routine that we would all get used to quickly.

That positivity stayed with me all day.  Until I got home and got emotional all over again.

Sophia and Dexter were pleased to see me.  Don't get me wrong, they weren't over-the-moon, desperately pleased to see me, but they were happy I was home.  I, on the other hand, just wanted to hug them forever.  I had missed them.  Even their tantrums.

I think this is much harder on me than it is on them, to be honest.  They both seem to have adapted well, even though it has only been one day so far.  I know that by working, I am helping to provide a roof over their heads, food on the table and anything else they need or wish for.  But, deep down I also know that what they want most in the world is time with their Mum and Dad.  I feel like I'm being pulled in different directions.

I am sure it will get easier.  I am fortunate that I have a job that I love with good colleagues and I am able to work safe in the knowledge that my children are getting the care and attention they deserve from their grandmother who loves them deeply.  And I have my plan, of course...

Did you go back to work after having children?  If you did, was it one of the most difficult things you had to do?  How did you cope?  If you didn't, why not?  Are you glad you made the decision you did?  Can a balance really be struck between career and family?

18 comments:

  1. No words of wisdom or solace here, just a big ((hug)) xx

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  2. i went back to work two weeks ago after my 9 month maternity. Unfortunately, our family live over 70 miles away so we have no choice but to put our baby girl in nursery. However, i've managed to find a nursery literally on the next road to my work, about 20 seconds walk away. So the mornings have been ok - we have breakfast together still at least and there's no need to get up any earlier than normal. Plus i've onlyn gone back part time as we can't afford full time childcare, so it doesn't feel so much like i'm abandoning her. I do feel for you having to spend so much time away from your two, i hope it gets easier for you all soon x

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  3. It seems I about to go back to work after a short break whilst we moved house/county etc.  Currently in mild to major panic about childcare.  I returned to work after 3 maternity leaves and every one was just as hard as the the others.  Even though I knew kids were safe/happy etc I still cried - I think it is maternal instinct/love - whatever you want to call it, but it is such a horrible feeling.  We have no (capable) family anywhere near us so have always relied on nurseries/childminder.  My kids have always had a much better time than with me, I'm sure!  But where would we be without the mother guilts?!  

    It'll all be fine - you know that - and the tears will subside just as the cuddles increase!  Hope you're feeling better soon!

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  4. Bless you lovely...you are so brave! I don't know how you do it...but major kudos to you for being so strong!
    Karin

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  5. :-( Oh I really feel for you. I know exactly how you feel because I went through exactly the same thing many years ago. My kids are older now and I'm able to work from home but I had to go back to work after the birth of my first 2 kids and I have never felt such indescribable pain. That said, the excitement when it was 'knocking off' time was immense and I knew deep in my heart that I was doing what I was doing in order to get me where I am today. And look, here I am! A Work/life balance of sorts, stable (sometimes bonkers) kids and happy husband. My advice for now? Keep the tissues handy at work - I remember tears striking at the most unexpected times for the first few months back. So, good luck with the way ahead - it will get easier. Promise. xx

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  6. Wipe those tears.  Chin up.  Everything we do is for our kids and teaching them a good work ethos, putting food in front of them, providing a good home is all an invaluable lesson.  They will be really proud one day of what you are doing and let's not forget, they are with loving, caring, family.

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  7. You are such a wonderful mum Laura... and now I'm crying too!  Such a beautiful post.  I hope things get easier on you as you get into your new routine. xo

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  8. I think there's always mixed feelings involved when you go back to work. But it sounds as though you dealt well with your first day back. And it sounds as though your kids will slip into their new routine no problem.

    Enjoy getting a bit of your life back. Don't feel guilty. If you benefit from something your kids benefit too.

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  9. You're lucky that you've found a nursery so close to where you work. I bet that does help and it sounds like you have found a good balance x

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  10. Thanks for your comment. It's good to know that I'm not being completely over-the-top and that others have felt this way too when returning to work. I'm hoping it does get easier x

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  11. Thanks Karin. I don't feel very strong right now :-(

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  12. I'm searching for that elusive work/life balance - it's so difficult to achieve. The hardest thing has been when I've come home and my little girl runs to me, wraps her arms around my neck and whispers 'missed you Mummy'. We were in tears together the other night, it makes me feel awful

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  13. Thanks, I'm trying to focus on those sorts of things and it does help knowing that they're being looked after by family. It's just been a shock to the system after being with them all day every day for so long x

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  14. I must admit, it has been nice being able to go to the toilet without anyone barging in on me! I'm also trying to focus on the fact that I love my job and work with some great people...but where would we be without mothers' guilt? x

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  15. We've talked about this before. It sucks. Big hugs it does get better.

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  16. Thank you. It's been really helpful knowing that I'm not the only one who has ever felt like this x

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